Nights like this, I will either be doing work with a cup of water and a bowl of whatever snacks I have in the kitchen to keep me awake, or procrastinating with a cup of water and a bowl of whatever snacks I have in the kitchen. And then there’s the on and off dozing-off and waking up with a numb feet, in a half-blur condition making my way to the kitchen to grab more food and water or the loo too let out those I drank earlier, maybe an occasional burp or so (you know how so much air accumulate in the stomach when you sleep leaning you head on crossed arms on the table). After that it is hours of facing the computer, either doing work or facebook-ing (Btw did I mention facebook is evil? I love it. Boo friendster.), then when it is once again bright outside, I will switch off the lights in the room, open-up the blinds, and feel the exhaustion of having my eyes forced open the whole night with snacks or coffee or anything alike.

I crawl under my quilt after setting the alarm to sound in 4 hours time.

Yeap ladies and gentlemen, and so ends the vicious cycle I’ve been going through for the past few weeks. God knows how much snacks, how many cups of coffee, and how many bottles of energy drink I have dump into my system throughout the whole NO-SLEEP marathon.

Tonight, right here, right this moment, I am astoundingly awake. Ironically it’s always the sight of assignments that triggers my sluggishness. Ahh, too much time to waste now. I’m done with assignments, it is not satisfactory but it is the best I can do, and despite that I am in that I-don’t-care-anymore mode. Just screw it?? I am not ready for that yet. All I know is I have done enough to pass and I am ready to feel disappointed when I see something lesser than a D when I get my scores back. I can live with it.

This is going to be a long post, well unless I get distracted half-way, or loose myself in a blend of scattered thoughts and mixed feeling of confusion and other undefinable emotion. I’m not surprise if the next minute I gave up writing and delete the whole block of text up there, it’s been happening a lot lately for reasons I have yet perceive. That or maybe I am just lazy to boost more brain juice than I have already consumed?

I now shamelessly confess that my mass has gone beyond the fearful 50kg and I can now complain that I am indeed, FAT. The 3kgs only came recently and happily joined the rest of weight like in… few days time? My diet comprises only sweet-tasting things and all the other food that says “this is going straight up to your ass” with the “You will surely fail to resist” sign lurking behind. Yah, boo me. I have no discipline and I fall prey easily. Somehow that momentary pleasure of sweetness seemed scream louder than the long-run effect, which in my case is a bigger bum, tummy, and face, proven when I find myself no longer able to fit into that pair of jeans I bought just 2 months ago. Brilliant eh? I can keep buying new jeans and keep growing inches of fats from my waist and have a collection of jeans in a whole size range!

Now to be more practical, I really do need some exercise. (Ash, here is where you force me to go gym-ing with you, by all means. Or maybe we can force each other :D) The love for food/baking/eating is currently not doing me any good. I have a friend who loves baking but she NEVER eats whatever she bakes. Sometimes she doesn’t even take a bite and straight away gives her baking to others. Now don’t you find it utterly weird? I personally think it beats the purpose of baking. It is like reading lines and lines in a chapter of a book and not having an imagery of the storyline going on in you head. Uh, enough about baking. The whole point of starting this post is to write and tell, maybe rant a little as well, in the most honest manner ever.

I am tired. Tired of what? I myself can’t tell. It’s not the tiredness of living that’s for sure. There’s so much more to life that has yet to be discovered, understood and lived. So much food out there which I can’t wait to get a taste of, so many to-do list that is waiting for the day it will be finally marked done, so many hairstyles to try, so many places to go, so many countdowns, celebrations and trips to be spent with the best crowd ever. But I want a break, from nothing. I just wait a break. How nice will it be if our lives run like one of those old cassette player, I can stop, forward, rewind when ever I want, and when I feel like taking a break, I can momentarily freeze my life with the pause button.

I know what I want now. The other day when I was making my 3 wishes and at the same time dreading that my bare make-up-less pimple-farm face (thank you assignments and stress) would be caught in multiple shots, what with 2 cameras aiming my way, I find myself profoundly lost with desires. I realize that at that moment there isn’t anything I truly madly desperately wanted. Now, I have finally figured out my life-long desire, which is… to be able to eat as much as I want and never ever gain weight. Now now anyone with me please raise their hands. I really don’t care if I sounded like a pig. Being able to eat is bliss. I am still going on a food galore when I go back to Malaysia, this time round I have 3 months. 3 months to do whatever I want. Then again I also know despite that there will be times where I find myself not knowing what to do because life is just too untied. But anyhow, no assignment for 3 whole months is enough reason to open a bottle of champagne, and I’m not even being sarcastic. Only few truly understood the amount of assignments we are chucked with throughout the 4 months of the semester, together with the complimentary stress, anxiety, pimples, wrinkles, sleep deprivation, and brain juice-squeezing. I swear everytime I look at myself in the mirror I notice how much I have aged.

Speaking of which, I may be a little late, but here’s a short recap of a series of events that happened as soon as the clock strikes 12 on the night of October 24th.

Needless to say, I was really touched. Thanks for making my first birthday overseas a great one guys. I really thought I would be celebrating the day with the last 3 assignments which is then due in 2 days time, instead the day is spent with my obasan, randomly following beast, satan and dolph to Papa Gino's, getting extra big scoops for that double cone of Mint, Cookies and *mystery* flavor Gelati, then dinner with the Helens and "daddy", what more could I have asked for?

Of course, to all who remembered to send your wishes whether it is be-earlied, on time, or belated, and not to forget my lovelies who dedicated a blog post for me, I really thankyou. I'm grateful to be in the presence of each and every one of you. I can be such a pain sometimes, I am aware, yet people still put up with all that. And frankly speaking, I even forgotten some of the important birthdates (I am still ashamed of myself), I really don't think I deserve all the nice things you guys have done for me.

There. Words are lost as I type.

Why must I always attempt to write stuff I know I will fail to put in words?