Maybe when I was far away from everything (and literally living a different life), I was capable of cheating myself into thinking that it doesn't bother me at all. that I am strong. that I really don't need to talk to anyone because I am absolutely capable of handling my own thoughts and rationalize things by myself. that I if I try really really hard and keep myself busy by living a fulfilling life I can do it -- forget what happened and what's going on and what's going to happen (and emotionally prepare myself for it).

but in fact, it's all a false impression. a lie i chose to hide myself in. a runaway from reality which at the end i still have to come back to.

and most importantly a false sense of comfort i (foolishly) let myself into believing.

i am hurt.

i've always been. right from that day. sometimes i really don't know what to do and how to cope. all the nights that i've kept myself covered under the quilt away from the cold, i really wished i was able to do the same towards my feelings. towards all the tears and guilt and most of all, towards the pain. yes, flush them all away. i really hate them.

and what sucks the most is the fact that i can't see a better way out from this problem of ours except... ... i'm pretty sure it doesn't have to be mentioned. i always wonder whether i'm the only one suffering so much. the only one tearing in the dark. the only one that's still holding on tightly and stubbornly insisting to find a better answer to all this even thought a part of me is almost entirely sure there isn't one. the only one feeling like shit and looking like one.

when people talk or ask about it I am always afraid to tell too much. Afraid to start thinking about the worst that could (and will) happen. And then I am afraid they will know, I don't even know why I should be. Maybe because if I do tell I know it will really really happen despite how much I dread but still know it is true only I chose to live in the dark. I know I can't be running anymore further. I know I've reached a dead end and there's no wall to climb. I know. I know.

Sometimes I hate how things reminds me of you. Like how ur name is so common and whenever I hear someone calling a different person with the same name or when the same name of a different spelling appear somewhere I instantly thought of you. when I see something you like or heard of the place you came from i get flashbacks of the times spent with you. when I see girls commenting/complementing on ur hair i question myself whether i used to be like them. silly as it may be it drove me crazy. i feel vulnerable when i think about you and saying that i felt miserable is just an understatement.

heck i don't even know what i've just wrote and why the hell did i blurt everything out. maybe i can no longer keep everything buried in that heart of mine. maybe i really am going to break down. maybe i really have to let it all out and finally make it clear to start with the healing process, if i ever will. maybe i really just lost it.

maybe i will delete this post after a few hours because i know i will regret being so exposed and this is definitely not me. i've always been able to keep everything to myself, something i know its nothing to be proud of still i can't help it sometimes because it makes me think i am independent and au fait. clearly im not, i now know that.

i hate to say this, but i think i still love you.