That's it!

NO MORE BAKING.

Not until I loose everything I gained throughout the past week. (which is probably never gona happen sigh)

Seeing the reading on the weighting scale go up every 2 days isn't a pleasant thing at all, what more eating without control and beyond my limit almost everyday.

I happy... I bake.
I stress... I bake.
I angry... I bake.
I sad... I bake more.


Why why why!!

NVM the baking, the eating part is real damage causer. Frankly speaking my baking has improved a fair bit after all the attempts and gained-experience. Every single time after I took out whatever I put into the oven I will be damn happy and start eating up everything.

I am not complaining because I gained weight, I'm actually more worried about my compulsive eating. Past few days I've been eating more than my tummy can take until I can now notice how much my stomach has expanded. Worst is today when I don't even feel full after 2 hours of hotpot!

I know the reason behind this, but why can't I just stop doing so much damage to myself?

Like today, I dared myself to splurge on a handbag. I have never bought myself a bag more than RM70 yess I am that kiam siap. And even if something catch my attention I will still walk away if the price is considered unreasonable for me. This is how I was brought up, only buying things that are essential and useful. Some people call it kiam siap, but to me it's being thrifty. Today was an exception, I don't know why the hell did I buy that bag. Of course, I needed a new bag, but it's not an emergency and I didn't even look at it for more than 15 mins before deciding to own it.

I walked out of the store, unable to believe I just did it. I dared myself to buy something out of my budget and I did it, and I didn't even bothered to convert. I was not particularly happy. It was more of a shock of my own rebelliousness. At the moment, I know I really need to start doing some repair. If I don't deal with the real problem that lies behind the problem nothing I do is gona make me feel better.

If someone were to ask me how am I doing lately, and if I choose to be honest, the answer would be not too good. Except that's not the case most of the time. I much rather say oh I'm fine how bout you rather than put myself in a situation where I'm being asked numerous questions. It's hard okay? I can't put my thoughts in words now. All I know is my life is on the downward sloping part of a concaving graph.

I wish I can work and concentrate on assignments to get my mind off things. I wish feelings doesn't dominate my actions and behavior. If only that didn't happen I wouldn't have to wish for all these. Yeah IF only.......




Helen's right. I need to focus, at least get through the last few projects before dealing with my life.



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On another note, today I revisited those stall holders I took photos of and gave them each a copy of their photo. I didn't manage to find all of them as there were too many stalls and sellers and I got kinda lost. I also realize I'm really bad with faces, especially when it comes to westerners. But never mind, I'll go back again next week, maybe some of them weren't there today.

What can I say, it was a wonderful experience and it was one I never thought I would've ever get the chance to encounter. It's something I uniquely own and I'm proud of, something that makes studying here different and worthwhile.

She wasn't with her baby, unlike the last time I went. She was alone at the stall, but still as friendly.

He was gona stick the picture on the door of the freezer.

He looked kinda grumpy in the picture, but as soon as I saw that smile, I realize how people are always misunderstood by their appearance.

"Come back with the picture and I will give you a surprise." I remember him telling me that last time. And I did, because I promised him I would. He took a bottle of white wine from the table and wrapped it for me, I told him it's alright, that's the least I can do. He replied me: "You don't want to make an old man mad..." and insisted I take that bottle.

She gave me Churros. Yum yum.

She's still as humble as the last time.

He gave me a friendly gesture and asked if I would like to sit down. He said the missus went away for awhile but she would be glad to see the picture.

They weren't at the shop today, but the woman behind the counter promised to pass it on my behalf. Btw I love everything in that shop.

The woman on the left told me the man on the middle just left his job. She said the picture would mean alot to him and that she will mail it to him.

A print only cost me 25 cents, but the smiles on their faces and the shock of seeing their picture printed and given back, priceless. Heck I think they even lighten my day more than I did to them.

It's funny how one can be satisfied just by making others happy. To me, it doesn't matter that they're strangers that would probably not recognize me the next time we cross paths. One day I will look back at the pictures and, if my memory allows, remember the story behind it, and perhaps a particular conversation that took place at a particular place and time.




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It's impossible not to think about us.